Life away from Tel Aviv and back to Cornfields

Well holy shit it's been awhile. but i'm going back to tel aviv this summer for a couple months.

so excited and might start writing in here again.

lovely.

i turn 23 in an hour. yay.

Current Mood: calm

It's kinda been a rough week. I haven't been this sick since 7th grade. I was in the hospital twice this week and at health services twice. I got a shot in my tushy, steroids, vicodin, other shit through the IV's and a few prescriptions. I learned that one (especially a "young lady?" as the piece of shit doctor called me..and i corrected him by saying "woman"- anyway) so i learned that a woman can not go to the hospital by herself. you get overlooked, forgotten and dismissed. basically dicked around.

of course i didnt go by myself... my amazing girlfriend has been here for me like no one has before and taken such amazing care of me this week and tolerated with my yucky high fevers of 104 breaking in the middle of the night and me soaking the sheets but still holding me and helping me sip water and missing so much work and being incredible to me while i have 3 baby bites of oatmeal and was full for the day.

But I was alone in the room during a shift change of amazing friends (enter drew and later mer [with a hot haircut]) and the p.o.s. doc came in and was a douche...and disregarded me, looked disappointed because he must've had to leave his golf game to come see me, and the putter shoved up his ass showed. --

well drew was there before when the initial doctor came in trying to screw me over and drew and his masculinity got things taken care of. everyone asked if he was my boyfriend. no one asked if amy was my girlfriend and so drew was my sensitive boy that held my hand during the iv stuff. silly men. crazy shit.

for the first time in a week i had an appetite. I couldn't feel anything in my body and craved chicken mcnuggets. they were AMAZING. I think my body, for once, actually needed the calories and fat. see, it IS good for you. ;)

it's fascinating to be aware of gender and sexuality and everything that I've been learning about. It's seriously one of the most applicable things to study because it's everywhere all the time in EVERY person and in every single interaction... but most people... of privilege (like myself) who dont have people questioning their gender or sex don't experience what many deal with CONSTANTLY. think about how many times your assumed gender, your assigned sex, the one you are labeled by and the one that determines how you are treated, affects your daily interactions. you'll probably miss more than half because they'll just slip right by. so automatic. so unnoticed.

Current Location: sleeping beauty's computer
Current Mood: thankful for my friends
Current Music: shhh its earrrrly

tiff inspired me to be positive. and so...I think its gonna be a good semester.. all my classes on tues/thurs might kill me.. but the good news is that i will be in aerobics the first half of the semester (mwf at9am) and hten aquatic fitness the second half of the semester (mwf at 8am). yayy, itll kick my ass and ill prob be wonderin who the hell thought it was a good idea to get up so early but i'm gonna have to if i want to see some changes.

that is all.

oh yeah, i'm back at school all moved in. redoin my room a bit and finaaaaally cleaning. kinda sad that lisa isn't here anymore. i cant believe she graduated. no good when a best friend moves away. :(

ok back to happiness.. Ummmm no school tomorrow! WAHOOO

lila tov.

HIs response to my last email: As a prelude. I was being serious. I generally try to avoid being an instigator. Also, the PS was put on yours because I knew that you we very big into the Jewish Faith, and I didn't know if you had some special hated towards them or if you didn't want to talk about it or something like that. Let's see. First of all the "blacks and Jews" thing. I think that it's generally a bad thing to label someone based on a single aspect of their person. Identifying someone as a "Black" or a "Jew" generally seems offensive. When I hear people speak in a deragatory fashion about people of darker skin color or of the jewish heritage they tend to use those terms as if they explain why the people are subhuman.
Secondly, I thought I did a decent job explaining that although I might love someone, I don't have to love their actions. I'm not going to wear a shirt that says "Nazis are right" or "I think It's ok to lend your children to your friends for their sexual gratification." I find those things to be quite horrible.
Thirdly, I am not a member of the KKK. If you recall from your history lessons the KKK persecuted the people of Catholic Faith right along side the people of darker skin color.
Finally, after reading my clarifications to your concerns, do you think that people would think that I'm evil, or at least mean, because of my lack of hatred towards certain groups of people? That is to say: do you think that people will grossly misinterpret my very Loving Feelings, and instead, think that I'm some kind of monster who hates people?
Thanks for your response...few people took the time to send me any feedback so far. Thanks. Have a good rest of break.....and feel free to reply with any more thoughts you might have.
***************************************************************************

MY RESPONSE AGAIN: hey peter. ok, i understand the ps. and yes. I am Jewish..i'm not sure how you figure or judge me to be "very big into the Jewish Faith". Either way what i was saying is that i dont think someone needs to be black or jewish or anything to have a special hatred for a group of people who tortured, traumatized and killed millions of people, including my mothers close relatives. However, i do not really call that a special hatred i think its just real and thats it. For you to think that identifying someone as black or a jew is offensive or insulting is a clear indication of the internalization of hatred that you have heard. Because you have (i AM assuming, and i understand that) heard the word Jew being used as a deragatory word then it has shaped your understanding of the word and falsely affected your uses of the words. Thats unfortunate. I have to wonder how many people you have heard talk about blacks or jews as subhuman. thats sad. its actually sick.

So although you may love someone you may not love their actions? i am having a hard time seeing the correlation with a hate group whose sole purpose is to oppress and cause harm. Although you may not wear a shirt that says that 'nazis are right etc" you are still showing support in a way that is socially interpreted ..by having them on your shirt. just seeing the words nazi or a swastika or child molester or whatever is offensive to soo many. Although I am sure that the KKK targeted Catholics too I am sure that was very well disproportionate to other groups of people that htey targeted not to mentiont he fact that Catholics are not systematically oppressed in this country the way the targeted minorities are.

I do not think it matters if you have a lack of hatred towards any group. YOu dont need to hate them but what you do need to do as a conscious member of the world is understand the implications and the way people perceive certain social phenomena. You cant do things blindly as though you do not know how people will react and feel about things because you really do know. lets say you made such a shirt. I would consider it hateful and bet that yes, people would (perhaps accurately) interpret your insensitivity to the issue.

um thats it for now. thanks.


-if you read this please leave a comment... id really like some feedback here.

Current Mood: said exactly how i feel. proud

OK, so this kid peter that i know (who is friends with some of my friens and we've always been friendly etc) posted this lil message on my facebook wall and everyone elses wall too. he added the ps just on mine. either way its pretty damn ignorant. id love to hear your thoughts... well that is if anyone reads this. thanks.

His wall posting: Here's a question: if I wore a shirt that said on the Front "I Love All People!" and on the back "Even Nazis and Child Molesters" do you think that people would think I'm evil (or if not evil, some kind of mean person?) Because I'm not mean. I'm full of love. LOVE! What if the shirt said "I Love All People" "Even Blacks and Jews"? (I wouldn't actually even use the terms "Blacks" or "Jews" because I find those terms to be crude and childish)....I think that I've digreesed from the orriginal topic. Do you think that people would take it the wrong way if I said that I loved Nazis and Childmolesters (Keep in mind that I do not love what they might be doing to give them these labels ... although the National-Socialist Workers Party wasn't all for the brutal slaughter of other people, they did try to give a nation that had been raped and pillage by the victors of WWI hope; and a chance to help the poor and starving of thier land......again, I have digressed) I mean, a mother can love her child without loving what they do...a parent's love in unconditional...even if that child stabs his father, the father still loves his son....Uh...yeah....so I think I'm going to make a shirt that says that or something....let me know what you think...uh....Love....It makes the world go round...without love.....nobody would sing.....without love.....nobody wedding bells would ring....Ding Dong
......LOOOOOVE......Sorry. :-)

P.S.: If this topic is taboo with you...just let me know and I won't bring it up again with you....please remember that I'm not condoning what the Nazis did...I just didn't like this one shirt that I saw this guy were that said "Fuck Nazis"...it didn't seem like a very nice thing to do....that's what started me on this line of thought....Again...I'm for Love.....not mean stuff.... :-)



My respone: Peter are you serious? or are you just instigating by posting this on everyones wall or what? Ill take it as yes otherwise who would post something like that? altho im not sure why you find the need to add that ps to mine when i would hope the issue of nazis and childmolesters wouldnt be anyones fave topic of convo....First of all why do you think that the terms "blacks" and "jews" are childish and crude labels? (especially when you arent either!) that is not so cool considering there are millions of people globally who are a. blacks and/or Jews and b. identify as that. It's like saying Catholics or any other religious group. So what are you saying with that? secondly, if it is socially understood what certain subgroups or cultures stand for then by representing them on your shirt you are understanding the implications of how people understand those labels. considering these groups of people (nazis and childmolestors) have had very real and deadly consequences on Millions of people in the past and today, then why defendthat? its completley different then standing for a group that may have had diff intentions or unconditional love. (soo diff) clearly the intentions of the hateful people/groups you have mentioned are solely to inflict pain and suffering.. peter everytime i reread what you wrote.. its just so ignorant. "even blacks and jews?" are you a closeted member of the KKK and i'm just finding out or whats the deal?? ...maybe this is your sense of "humor" and you think its funny... but uhh i wouldnt go around broadcasting it too widely.

Current Mood: uh how dumb.
Current Music: israeli music

it is so beautiful outside.

it is not glorification and fuck you for trying to take away my passion and it being okay for me to brag about satisfaction in an effective evening of tbtn or for me to be upset. and if i feel like i care more then others then let me fucking feel it. back the fuck off and i never want to come to you for support again. i needed an ear not to hear you spew your fucking nonsense. i care two shits. I really do. I dont need you to defend ignorance when i come to you upset by someones hurtful comments. WHAT HAPPENED TO PLAIN LISTENING? SHUT UP WITH YOUR OPINION. DONT SAY A THING. LISTEN. LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. i will always make sure that i only listen from now on. never giving opinion again-ever unless explicitly asked for it. it wasnt even worth it to get into the conversation. By asking about your comments you realize that i do care. well i dont. i dont want to. leave me alone. you and everoyne beacuse i am done. i am done being friends with people that dont understand me. Drew you are right. its lonely. and that is NOT glorification. you will not understand my loneliness. when drew told me awhile back that it gets tiring doing the "teachable moments" i didnt understand. When faced with ignorance or mainstream views that blame the victim i thought i would always be interested in expressing my views or trying to explain the sexist patterns. well its making me sick. i am done trying to get you to realize the truth about violence towards 3+ BILLION people on this earth. T-R-U-T-H. Truth. R-E-A-L-I-T-Y. Reality. this is not "feminists trying to impose their views on everyone else" Cop out. the fact that i even need to work so hard to explain why women are opperssed or why its not okay that there is violence towards women globally makes me sick. it insults the hundreds of millions of women who have been killed because they were women. Their stories that we will never hear. Olamide's story that will never be understood as she experienced it. Lost, gone forever. another woman killed for being a woman.


if people really cared. if people were really mad. if men AND women really had enough it would end. this is not a natural occurence. this isnt something that is bound to happen, ought to happen or should ever happen again to anyone. this is our culture. our history and how our society is set up makes it okay for this to happen. well, i've had enough. why dont more people care? Why do we accept it? is it really because women are taught, brought up learning that this is just the way it is? Bad men will always be therem you have to protect yourself. Change your life so that you are never alone so that you can never drink and go out and party and fuck some random guy if you feel like it just because he might rape you. But men, you go out, you walk around at night alllll you want, you roam the earth feeling fucking safe and drinkign and smoking as much as you want beacause you NEVER have to worry about this. And if i hear ONE MORE person telling me that men get assaulted too i will scream. They do. Many have. BUt doesnt that take the focus away from the INSANE Majority of cases? What is the point in bringing up that men are assaulted rarely? Who brings that point up? OKay fine. men too. END VIOLENCE. is that better because it lessens the guilt that men are feeling? Privilege. The ability to choose not to think about how it affects you or anyone.

Current Mood: angry and sad.
Current Music: no music.

hey katush,
just as last year, i was so proud last night to be marching with you and then to be sitting next to you in the circle. Thank you so much for realizing how important and prevalent this issue is but even more for having the courage to try and do something to make a difference.. none of that sitting back and reading statistics but instead going out and having your voice heard. Just like we were saying last night, you have made yourself a safe space where your friends hopefulyl know they can come to you in a time of need to get rid of their shame and secrecy and confide... you wont judge. I wish everyone realized that its okay to talk about it, that there is NO way it was their fault and that this has happened to thousands of girls on this campus. THOUSANDS. survivors are everywhere.

Much love sister,
TaL

Current Mood: proud, determined, strong

damn last night was a very good time. me, val, colleen and tiff went out to fat jacks and then to the bistro. It was awesome dancing.. there was this pretty hot girl that was there..yadda yadda..im an ass...yadda yadda and val had some hot girl it was just fun.

tiff, girl, you should for sure be comin down more often. :)


my stomach hurts.

Current Mood: loved

Why do we keep people on our buddy lists that we never talk to? I took just about everyone i dont talk to anymore off. who really cares what their away messages say? lol.. its kinda funny to have people from hs on there that i havent talked to in 4 years. ...hmm maybe i'm the only one who had people on my bl for shits and giggles? oh well, no more.

Today is gonna be a good one.


damn, ive been writin in here a whole lot. some private some public- a fine combo.

later, dudettes.

Current Mood: doin hmwk
Current Music: Y & R

since you were so tickled, i decided another one might be fun too. hehe

Anyway, the zir/ze/zie/hir -lol- whoever you think im talking about you maaay be right. Although the best fun part of this is that its not only one person. It seems to be every person i know. Eh, ok a bit of an exaggeration but things are changing.. people are growing. people are changing..

why dont some people realize that to change is to grow? even if you judge it to be for better or for worse.. it is still a growth and development-ish change. ya know? that doesnt really have tooo much to do with my situation but just a side note. To look down on someone, because you have decided theyve changed and for teh worse is just pure judgemental bs.

Im done.

Much love, tiff :) Damn, girl. we go back!

Current Mood: TEST AT 2!!

Thank you tiff for your comment. Yes, i'm doing okay. I guess I should consider what aspect you mean when inquiring.n NOw, that i sound like i have multiple personalities, lemme just say that i think it is pretty clear that i do not enjoy living in Bloomington/Normal, Illinois. This brings all sorts of other things for me to deal with, right? So if I was a moron who liked pissing people off for no reasons, being a control freak or being lame (and this seems to apply to multiple people at isu) I would probably consider going after someone else to fuck with. I have other, bigger, more important things on my mind. Cuz tiff, zie tried fucking with me. BUt i'm pretty confident in my genuinity. I'm hardly ever fake. I mean sure we all have our half ass moments but I'm very straight forward and honset with my non/friends. So, i gave zir a piece of my mind...very clearly i feel.

So keep that in mind. I dont want "your" shit or anyone elses. Nor will i take shit. Or keep friends that are shitty. Because you and I and everyone deserve only positive expriences. Only the best in friends, and in the company we choose to keep. Our time is just not worth sacrificing for shitty people. For how long can you invest in someone and be shit on?

miss ya girl, thanks for watchin out for me :)

ah and ps. the changes in me, huh? Yeah, ive turned into quite the lil feminist/activist/____ since the vagina Monologues of 2003, huh??

Current Mood: content
Current Music: Im tilech, mi yechabek oti kacha...

Ahhh it was such an amazing 36 hours. Great bus ride, cool diverse people, incredible amounts of people, made lots of friends, saw rafi, a bunch of cool pics, and the escape that couldnt have been at a more perfect time. So theres that amazingness coupled with the exact opposite.


i'm closing up. around me. you and you and you... are out. Closed due to _______. dont come back, i wont answer.

Current Mood: must catch up on sleep!
Current Music: sleepy music mix

So i am going to washington dc right now. In a few minutes i will be picked up and go to urbana. There ill load a bus with 49 strangers and be on the road for 12 hours. This time drew won't be next to me. I wont have that awesome 17 hour long conversation that she and i had. Ahh that was fun.

I thought id carry along my travelers spirit and go to dc with no friends. ..to challenge myself. Independence. Like to Barcelona- I picked up and went alone for a week. But this is different only because its a bus ride there AND back. I have backup tylenol pm incase i need to just go to sleep for the ride.

When i went to washington dc it was a major time of change in my life. The weekend came at incredible timing and was that wknd for a reason. Similarly, this weekend is kind of coming at a time liek that too. I wonder who I will meet...and what i'll see... and how many peopel will be there... They are expecting a few hundred thousand.

I wonder if itll get any news coverage. even without Rita going on, how much would it get? Bush is fucking up big time right now.. I dont really think he wants the general public to see all of us on his front lawn on saturday. Hmm well if anyone sees anything on TV let me know :)

Ok, time to go!!! Lila tov and boker tov for this weekend.

YAY I GET TO LEAVE NORMAL, IL! wahoooooo

Current Mood: WOOHOOOO

ani lo rotza liyot po. ani sonet et rov hachaverim sheli. en li et hachaverim sheh yesh li beh israel. eze shtuyot yesh po.

im so sick of all of this crap. maybe if you werent so quick to judge and then assume you know what my deal is YOU wouldnt be so upset. EN LACH MUSAG MA KORE ITI.

know nothing. anything. back the fuck off. i can. push too. you did. at lo mevina.
shut down. back off.

disappear.


here it goes.

Current Mood: sonet otach.
Current Music: Moshe Ben Ari

it's been okay here, in normal, il. I am making the best of it. And I am having fun. involved. meetings. friends. etc. But no matter how much I do...

i dont want to be here. maybe next summer ill go to israel and live with jen. we could get an apt near the beach. everyday there is just filled with so many more smiles. so much more laughter. so much more of everything. i wish i was sitting in my room with jen laughing about the stupid stuff we would laugh about.

i wish i was on bus 24 or 25.. could get off on hamelech george and walk down allenby to the beach. to just lay on the beach, look at the sky and smile the way I frequently would at the mere thought that I was in israel. that i loved it there. I did appreciate it when i was there. I had the excitement of being there like that of your first day of a trip, but for 7 months. everyday i looked around and loved it. I didnt want to walk around with my music. the song of hebrew being spoken was enough to keep me walkin to a beat. feeling everything around me. On the bus i rarely read. I could read and be in a book anywhere in the world. cultural exchanges. listening. smiling. meeting strangers. chatting on the bus. with the driver. with the old woman next to me. anyone.


i have to go read for my class. i get to go walk to class and see church advertisements, be offered a free little green bible from some man and see Jesus references everywhere. and feel like the outsider.

Toto, i dont think im in tel aviv anymore.

Current Mood: i miss it.
Current Music: Hi loh mevina sheh ani ohev ota.. lo omeret li klum. kol...

wow i dont even know where to begin. sooo much stuff has been going on. so many thoughts and experiences and just stuff..getting back in the swing of things...

tonight i was walking hoem from Lisa's at 1am. On the quad i suddenly hear drumming. THANK GOD! I just got home now and it is 3:30am. I met some super awesome people..listened to drumming and guitar...even got a little lesson on the tarbuka.

if i was in tel aviv right now id be waking up after an amazing night dancing on the sandy beach to a huge drum circle. I miss it so much. I miss the water..the air..the smell.

I guess next best to being there with the drums is bein here with them. I'm sooo glad i met dre, eddie, matt and jay. THey were some cool cats I reallllly hope i see around again.

next time i'll dance.

Current Mood: leave it to me 2 find drummers

i was on sara's waverunner all day at her lake house. I look like a tomato.

Current Mood: ow! ow! ow!

Privilege: a poem for men who don't understand that we mean when we say they have it.


privilege is simple:
going for a pleasant stroll after dark,
not checking the back of your car as you get in, sleeping soundly,
speaking without interruption, and not remembering
dreams of rape, that follow you all day, that woke you crying, and
privilege
is not seeing your stripped, humiliated body
plastered in celebration across every magazine rack, privilege
is going to the movies and not seeing yourself
terrorized, defamed, battered, butchered
seeing something else

privilege is
riding your bicycle across town without being screamed at or
run off the road, not needing an abortion, taking off your shirt
on a hot day, in a crowd, not wishing you could type better
just in case, not shaving your legs, having a decent job and
expecting to keep it, not feeling the boss's hand up your crotch,
dozing off on late-night buses,
privilege
is being the hero in the TV show not the dumb broad,
living where your genitals are totemized not denied,
knowing your doctor won't rape you

privilege is being
smiled at all day by nice helpful women, it is
the way you pass judgment on their appearance with magisterial authority,
the way you face a judge of your own sex in court and
are overrepresented in Congress and are not strip searched for a traffic ticket
or used as a dart board by your friendly mechanic, privilege
is seeing your bearded face reflected through the history texts
not only of your high school days but all your life, not being
relegated to a paragraph
every other chapter, the way you occupy
entire volumes of poetry and more of your share of the couch
unchallenged,
it is your mouthing smug, atrocious insults at women
who blink and change the subject--politely--privilege
is how seldom the rapist's name appears in the papers
and the way you smirk over your PLAYBOY

it's simple really, privilege
means someone else's pain, your wealth
is my terror, your uniform
is a woman raped to death here or in Cambodia or wherever
wherever your obscene privilege
writes your name in my blood, it's that simple,
you've always had it, that's why it doesn't
seem to make you sick at stomach,
you have it, we pay for it, now
do you understand

-D.A. Clarke from the book Banshee



thoughts anyone?

Current Music: um i have the hiccupps... does that count?

i've only ever had one other friend, well maybe two that have loved israel as much as i do and really understand me with that. I remember talking with him and telling him how I feel so much better there. I didnt dress shlumpy like i do at isu.. i care more about myself there. I felt more confident.. walked with my head a little higher and a constant awareness of everything around me. There was so much to look at. So many experiences to have. THe bedouin wedding. The arabs i met in Uhm AlFahm. Samar Abu Arif. Culture. Life. Colors. Pride. Language. Politics. Intense. Fucking fascinating. Stimulation. just so much to think and look and think about.